|Monday, June 1st, 2009|
|Thursday, May 22nd, 2008|
|Wednesday, March 26th, 2008|
| Holy crap, I can fit back into my favorite jeans. (I was so about to donate them to my skinny friends.) I’m still above 100 pounds, but holy shit, I never thought I would be this size again. Gawd, I know I won’t be able to maintain this, but boy, it sure does feel good. I’m not weak or anything. It feels so great to be lighter.
Well, I just wanted to give myself a pat on the back. I must remember this moment. I sure hope I can hold onto this loss.
Oh, and my skin is clear. No major zits.
Besides the looks, I just LOVE how I actually FEEL better. Maybe the extra pounds were toxic. In that line of reasoning, I should try to lose a couple more. This is all going to be hard. I sure hope I don’t crash soon.
|Monday, February 18th, 2008|
| Finally, feeling productive. Haven’t done anything yet, but in my mind, my list of things to do is growing exponentially. Must capitalize on this moment, and write down this list so that when I get into my Down Period, I can reference this List and be productive (ie. not stuffing my face with food). I can lose the weight, just need to not fixate on food. Damn, I should just FORGET about food. I know from past experience that the best way to lose weight is to not eat food at all. I know that it doesn’t work well to eat and then work it off. Ah well, one step at a time, I guess.
Wish me luck. Going to knock out some cleaning, go to store, and then get back so I can go to yoga class.
|Friday, February 15th, 2008|
I am very depressed because *** doesn’t like my breasts. I don’t know why I fixate on this issue. I shouldn’t let it make me cry so much this morning. I know he loves me. I know I love him. Why am I letting this one feature sadden me? We have everything. We are healthy. My fat bulge has been worse so why am I still sad? Is the accutane making me sad? That’s ridiculous. I don’t see how that can affect your mood. I don’t even have ANY major pimples right now. I really need to get some real problems. I don’t even smoke anymore. Would be interesting to become an alcoholic, but hello!?! I don’t see how people can be alcoholics to begin with? Gawd, in some twisted way, ‘hearing’ (in my head) what I am typing, is kind of funny. I’m actually grinning.
Okay, I need to paint my toenails. I can’t pick up the shoes from the store without trying them on…and I can’t have my paintless toenails showing. Gawd, this shift in mood better not be due to bipolarism.
|Wednesday, February 13th, 2008|
Dear Body Image Lord – Please help me feel good about myself today. I’m about to eat a Big Breakfast from McDonald’s, but I want to still feel good about myself afterwards. Please allow me to feel positive so that I can continue to workout. Amen.
|Friday, February 8th, 2008|
Surprising, I actually feel good this afternoon. Wish I could stay upbeat. I really need to start running regularly; maybe that would help control my weight. I need to stay positive. Got plenty of little chores to do this afternoon. Must stay positive. Let's go running at 4:30pm and be done by sunset.
|Wednesday, February 6th, 2008|
Feel great. Took a pill this morning to counter the full pill I took last night. Then, started slurping diet coke. Why is it so hard to stay off of soda? It takes me a few days to wean off of it, but just a sip for me to start drinking it non-stop again. Then, I had some yummy leftover chicken and rice. I feel great. Not looking forward to my eventual Cranky crash. sigh...Why can't the high last? Need to make it to store to pick up some nick-nacks. Once I get back, need to do cleaning so I don't do any over New Year's. Wish me luck. I want to be skinny, but I know that's impossible. Well, let's see if we can fend off the Fat.
|Saturday, November 24th, 2007|
Sadness isn't that bad this morning. Yesterday though, was the worst ever.
|Monday, October 31st, 2005|
Gained 4.5 pounds in 3 weeks. Okay, this needs to stop. Ever since the wedding, I haven't stopped eating. I'm not going to let all this hard work go to waste. The jeans don't lie, I have gained weight. The fat roll is spilling over my jeans. I did not suffer for the past year to lose weight...to now gain it all back in a couple of months.
My diet/exercise starts tomorrow (today 10/31).
*amy Current Mood: determined
|Sunday, October 23rd, 2005|
Ever since the wedding, I've been eating non-stop. Jesus, I fucking just ate a ramen (pack of noodles) 400 calories at freaking 2:30am. I need to be sleeping. I just have so many thoughts racing through my head.
So much to do personal, wedding, and work-wise. I don't even know where to begin. I have to start writing down notes before I forget.
*amy Current Mood: confused
|Sunday, October 9th, 2005|
I'm about to leave for my honeymoon, but I just wanted to drop in to say that our wedding was wonderful. I felt I looked the best that I possibly ever could. I think I really did marry someone who loves me for who/what I am.
I wish everyone the best.
|Monday, October 3rd, 2005|
Must not eat. It's freaking 1:30am. Must not binge at night. Must be strong. I should go to sleep.
|Tuesday, September 13th, 2005|
I'm so exhausted. I'm working way too much. I can't wait for the weekend. It is going to be a short week for me since I'm leaving on Friday for my cousin's wedding. That's probably why I'm so busy since I'm cramming a five day work week into 4 days.
I must not smoke today. I've been smoking way too much, like almost 2 a day. It hurts my chest.
I have not been to the gym in so long. I just need to do a couple of arm exercises to firm up the flab. My weight is stable at 100 pounds so that's cool. Not cool is that I'm so tone-less.
I must keep my cool at work, and not let the bitchy people get to me.
|Friday, September 2nd, 2005|
Oh crap, I'm bingeing on gigantic cookies. They're 180 calories...each! Current Mood: disappointed
|Tuesday, August 30th, 2005|
I am so weak and tired. I can’t believe how much my body is breaking down. I feel like I’m just withering away. This is such a different kind of stress. It’s so hard for me to put a name to it. For all my stressful moments/periods of my life, I would just binge. But no, not for this wedding, I just watch all the color and energy drain from my face. I even think I’m getting uglier by losing weight. The bags under my eyes are so dark now, and my face color is a yucky yellow. I use to be rosier. sigh…the problem is that…being thin is better. What is the lesser evil?
*amy Current Mood: tired
|Monday, August 22nd, 2005|
I was able to move 3 garbage bags of clothes to my car’s trunk. It’s so funny how much money I spent on unused clothes, on garbage bags for donation, and then the time (and gas) to drive them to a Goodwill. The nearest Goodwill is kind of far. I sure hope I learned my lesson about shopping. If it means anything, I had about twice as many clothes in high school, and I was really fat then.
I need to be positive. I need to work on my attitude. I’m getting married for crying out loud.
To do list:
-try not to eat anything until after blood is drawn on Monday morning
-take phen after blood draw. Damn it, two days is enough. I need my drugs.
-return stuff to mall (macy’s and claire’s)
-write thank you cards for wedding gifts. I will not allow myself to deposit any check gifts, until I have sent out a thank-you to that family. This is high priority because I want them to know that I’m grateful, and that their gift made it to us safely.
-withdraw cash to pay for dress alterations. (I get it back on Wednesday!!!)
|Sunday, August 21st, 2005|
I feel so ill.
I have two closets full of clothes, but I only wear about 10 items. I figure it is high time to donate some clothes to Goodwill. I’ve done this many times before with no problem, but now, I feel ill at all the newer clothes I’m trashing. Some clothes still have their tags! I have tons of jeans. I have two Gap Long N Lean jeans that took me forever to be okay with spending $$ for them.
Thanks for listening. I just had to pout like a little girl. I really need to make wiser clothes purchasing decisions in the future.